My dog is a huge fan of American Idol and in fact, he’s picked the last two out of seven winners correctly which is a pretty good track record considering that he’s a dog and chases lasers, humps things and licks himself.  I think the dog enjoys watching American Idol because he idolizes Simon Cowell and he tries to interpret Paula Abdul’s strange English-like language that she seems to slur out each week.  The dog pointed out last week that Paula just enjoys the auditions because she drinks more heavily each week of the competition and not that there is anything wrong with drinking to excess and is Kara on the show to act as Paula interpreter now? 

So anyway, since my dog doesn’t understand broken English and he thinks Simon is the cat’s meow which is weird because we don’t have a cat and he doesn’t even like cats anyway he’s been working on his British accent and all week we have to sit around and listen to him asking what three countries we’d be popular in if we won the contest – which is weird because I”m not even auditioning for American Idol and I’m too old besides that I’d totally win considering the junk that makes it on the show.  I’d have a kick ass record contract and I’d be hotter than Kelly Clarkson performing at halftime of the Cowboys-Jets game at Texas Stadium, Thanksgiving 2007 which I was there and heard her but I didn’t see her because I was on the home side and we had to do some lame card stunt that spelled out something like “Jets suck ass” or maybe it was “TO sucks ass” and I’m not too sure because that was like a year and a half ago.  They had the stage all setup where you couldn’t see anything anyway so they forced you into doing this stupid card stunt with colored paper with an eye slit so you could look out and see the other side of the stadium totally enjoying the show and that’s the first and only time I’ve heard Kelly Clarkson in concert.  But if I won American Idol, I’d totally be popular in Iran, Saudi Arabia and New Jersey because New Jersey is like a whole other country and the people in the Middle East would like me because I’d hide in a burka – I don’t have the Fergie-“Barracuda”-body-thing going on so if I were to ever fall ass backwards into a sweet American Idol-like record contract, I’d have to wear a burka or shop at some big woman’s shop and really, Bea Arthur type clothing isn’t going to sell records to anyone but geriatric perverts.  Believe me because I know what geriatric perverts are into.

So the dog is psyched about this season with the new judge and all but we both agree that Bikini Girl has some nerve and I’d like to see her get the crap beat out of her in a catfight on stage during Hell Week/Hollywood Week.